OK, I made the time. I haven’t been around here as much as I wanted lately and I decided to make time. The kitchen is cleaned and the bathrooms are done. I have a cup of coffee and my laptop. It’s time to catch up.
Life has been pretty much kids and school lately. There have been some other highlights as well.
I watched the Superbowl with four women. Well, four if you count our friend’s 11-year-old daughter, and I do. That was interesting. Mostly it was interesting because of the lack of testosterone. It was kind of quiet and actually very pleasant. Nobody got drunk and spilled onion dip. There was little or no high fiving. It was . . . civilized. I was only marginally interested in the game. Football season ended for me when the referees stole the Broncos’ season from them . . . so whatever.
The boys always need attention. Yesterday Charlie told me that it sometimes hurts when he pees. I asked some specific questions. He explained that when he got home from school and went to the bathroom it hurt.
“Does it hurt when you pee at school?”
“Hmmm,” I said. “I wonder why it doesn’t hurt at school.”
“Because I don’t go at school.”
“Really?” I was surprised because he doesn’t always go in the morning.
“So you are telling me that sometimes don’t go pee all day long until you get home?”
He nodded again.
“And when you go at home it hurts?”
“And this is a mystery to you?”, I asked. “You are having trouble figuring out why it might hurt a little if you go all day without peeing?”
“Yeah,” he said, puzzled. “It’s really weird.”
I explained to my son the camel that humans have to pee more often than seasonally and that it hurts because he is holding it. He nodded and sighed. His boy parts have been acting mysteriously lately and I can tell that he is a bit concerned.
A few weeks ago we had a midnight bathroom incident. Charlie occasionally gets out of bed and wanders into our room. He tends to do this when we go to bed or turn on lights. His mom told him to go back to bed, but to go to the bathroom first.
Charlie did as he asked and gave his mom a quick lesson in male human hydrodymamics. One of the basic tenets of male human hydrodynamics states, basically, that the ability to control the hydraulic flow is inversely proportional to the rigidity of the delivery member. In layman’s terms this translates into: It is hard to pee with a boner.
I explained this principle to my wife as we were cleaning the bathroom Lesson learned . . . we have a sit-down-to-pee after bedtime policy in our home. There is no shame for a man to sit in that situation. It’s simple science.
Lately kids getting out of bed in the middle of the night has been less of a problem. That is because they are rarely asleep by the middle of the night these days. I know it’s just a phase, but it is annoying. The boys share a large room upstairs opposite of our room. Up until late December, we could put them in bed and they were done. Lately, however, they have been getting out bed and generally misbehaving.
The two boys have different styles when it comes to not staying in the bed. Charlie will come downstairs and ask questions that won’t wait until morning like, “What is my middle name?” and “What shoe size do I wear?” Eli makes no pretenses, he simply gets out of his bed and starts playing. Hopefully it is a phase.
School is going well . . . I guess. Going back to school always sounds so cool. Then when I get there it is just . . . school. I have been trying to get more into the experience. I go out to the university early and try do all my studying and work there.
My ability to fit in is limited for several reasons. One reason is that I am easily twice the age of most other students. In fact I am older than all but one of my professors. In my Perspectives in History class we were discussing the significance of specific historical events, many of which occurred in the 1960’s.
I finished giving my take on the significance of the Apollo moon landing when one of my classmates looked at me curiously. “I guess a lot of this stuff isn’t really history to you.” she said. “It isn’t history if you can remember it.” Cute kid. As it turned out, my professor wasn’t alive for the moon landings either.
This is the same history class that required us to compose and perform a song about King Phillips War. Seriously. I am a self-admitted history freak. I love history, and not just popular history. I ask for and read dry, boring historical reference books. I really, really like history. As much as I like history, King Phillip’s War is a relatively obscure, very small subtext to U.S. History. Not exactly something that moves me to song. I don’t sing and I was willing to take the zero.
One young lady actually composed, performed and recorded a song. Apparently she has a recording studio in her dorm room. The song was surprisingly good. I told her that it reminded me a little bit of Joan Baez. She looked at me like I was speaking Aramaic.
“Joan Baez,” I said. “Folk singer . . .”
“Vietnam protest songs . . .”
“Oh,” she said. “Thanks.” She turned toward the front of the class and scooted her desk farther away.
Well . . . I think my time is up. Eli appeared a short time ago. He was naked except for a toy sword and roman soldier helmet. I can live with that for a few minutes, but now he is putting his butt in the dogs’ face and singing the bridge to “No Diggity” by Blackstreet. Apparently he has to “bag it up”. That would be my wife’s bad. It was hilarious last night when she was teaching him the song.
I am thinking about getting a video of it, because like most parents these days, when my children are in humorous/appalling yet only remotely dangerous situations the first thing I reach for is my camera. Anyway, I should probably take care of this.
We’ll talk again soon. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you soon on This Side of the Diaper.